The Patty project

Recently someone introduced me to the term weaponised incompetence — and it stopped me in my tracks. Not because it was new… but because it so clearly described something I have been silently carrying for a very long time.

I live with two adult children in their mid-twenties and their dad. Both of my children are autistic and have ADHD (along with other diagnoses). They are high functioning — they work, drive, are in relationships and navigate the world independently. And I am so incredibly proud of them.

But here’s the part that is harder to say out loud…

Even though they are capable, much of the emotional labour, organising, reminding, fixing, prompting and following up still lands with me — because I am Mum. Because I was their safe person. Because for years I had to be everything while we navigated disability, systems, advocacy, burnout and survival.

And now? I am tired. I am burnt out. And at times, I feel more taken for granted than truly seen.

They don’t disrespect me because they are unkind. I know that. They do it because this is where they feel safest to drop the mask. And while I understand that intellectually, emotionally it is still heavy.

Weaponised incompetence, for me, doesn’t look like deliberate manipulation. It looks like:
• “I forgot”
• “I don’t know how”
• “It’s just easier if you do it”
• Tasks left undone because they know Mum will step in

And after decades of caregiving, advocating and holding everything together — stepping in has come at the cost of my own nervous system.

I’m sharing this because I know I won’t be the only mum feeling this way — especially mums of neurodivergent children who grow into very capable adults… but still lean heavily on us in invisible ways.

My page exists because of my lived experience. I don’t share from textbooks — I share from my heart, my home and my very real journey. I believe mums deserve honesty. We deserve language for the things we feel but struggle to name. And we deserve to know we are not alone.

If this resonates with you, please know:
You are not failing.
You are not ungrateful.
You are simply tired — and allowed to be.