The Patty project

My father-in-law passed away on Monday night.

My partner’s father passed away on Monday night.

My children’s grandfather, their Samoan Papa passed away on Monday night.

It doesn’t matter what title I write it as because we have all experienced a significant loss.

He had been sick for so long so the grieving process slowly began a few years ago.

These past few days we’ve been at the house and everyone is busy preparing for his final ‘big’ day.

People are coming from near and far to pay their respects and they started arriving yesterday.

I’ve listened to stories, and cherished memories that others are sharing about him which led me to think about my own.

My children were his firstborn grandchildren and even though Lani was not his biological grandchild from the moment he met her he welcomed her into his life.

Earlier this week Lani shared a post saying ‘forever grateful for the seeds you’ve sown and the way they’ve intertwined in my life in the best possible ways with your son (Eli) and the role he plays not only in my life but my children’s lives. Bye for now Papa’.

Papa always looked out for Lani when she was a child; they met when she was 2 years old so he definitely played an important role in her life and it showed every Christmas when he’d include her and the boys in his work Christmas party making sure they each received a present, and it showed in the way he greeted her smiling when saying ‘hello Lani, come give Papa a kiss’. I don’t believe he ever treated her any differently to her brothers and for that I am eternally grateful.

When Elijah was born Papa came to the hospital with armfuls of gifts and toys that were incredibly noisy, they made animal sounds and were musical and for some reason, his gifts from that moment on were always quite noisy. Eventually, we convinced him to keep the noisy toys at his house and that worked well because we were there more than not😉.

When Sebastian was born he was not feeling well so when he came to the hospital he wore a mask and sat far away from the baby but he watched from afar and you could tell that there was a smile beaming beneath that mask. As he grew Papa referred to Seb as Sebastiano and one joke Seb and I carry and laugh at is how every time he saw Seb as an adult he’d ask ‘do you have a girlfriend yet’ 😉😬😆🌈✊🏼.

My fondest memories of my father-in-law are from our time in Samoa; he lived there when the boys and I stayed on the main island for four months.

He loved Samoa and he was so proud to show us around and spend time with us in his villages.

I loved having the opportunity to introduce him to the SVSG team and show him around the office and the children’s shelters. He was very proud to see me on the Samoan news on the TV and to see me in the Newspapers – doing so provided him with the opportunity to see what Eli, the kids and I were passionate about and it gave him a better understanding of why we were doing the ‘work’ we were doing and travelling back and forth to Samoa.

I often look at the photo of Papa and the boys in his new Ute; on this particular day he picked us up from Apia and drove us to Lefaga, the boys barely fit in the back of the Ute and whilst I was comfortably seated in the front seat every time I looked at them they were either smiling or laughing and so was he.

We stayed with him at the house he built – his dream home and in the evening we’d sit out on the road under a hut-like structure and he’d tell us stories or show us how things were done and why.

Papa wasn’t confident in speaking English and we three barely had any Samoan language skills between us yet we communicated more than ever during this stay.

He’d get up before us to buy fresh bread for breakfast and he was the perfect host when we stayed at his house – during this stay there was no need to drive into town to buy Seb Maccas like he always did when he was younger so he prepared food for us to share as a family.

I also remember a time when the boys and I were walking in town and one of those traditional Samoan (wooden) buses was driving past us and we could see Papa on the bus with a big smile on his face because he spotted us while we were walking, that smile showed immense pride at seeing his grandsons living in Samoa.

Living in Samoa with my sons and sharing these experiences with them are memories that I am glad we made.

My father-in-law was not a man of many words so when home in Australia there were never too many conversations but he was actively engaged with the kids when they were young and he was a kind, giving man to Eli and the family he created.

My father-in-law and I were both diagnosed with different cancers around the same time and I recall a time during a family meeting when his brother looked at both of us and said ‘There’s no going back to Samoa until you are both healed’, I could tell that we were both as disappointed as each other.

Four years later I did get better and I had the opportunity to finally return to Samoa and we even got to spend some time in his Samoa house but Dad’s health did not improve, it declined and the diagnosis of dementia impacted his health and well-being dramatically so sadly he was never to return to Samoa 🥲.

A lot changed while we were both sick and over this time I didn’t see him too often.

In Feb 2024 during one of his hospital admissions, I visited with Eli and Elijah. On our arrival he looked at me and asked Eli who I was – Eli responded by telling him my name and he looked at me and smiled telling Eli that I looked different and that I was thinner – he then turned to me and asked ‘Pat, why you not visit me anymore’. I felt sad and apologised and let him know that my life and family relationships had become quite complex so I chose to isolate myself -,I don’t know how much he heard or understood but nevertheless, I tried to give him an honest answer.

Over the next twelve months, his health deteriorated and sadly there were no more conversations between us.

My father-in-law was a serious man and a hard worker, he was kind and helpful to those in need. He was a very proud Samoan and Catholic and I believe from my observation that he was loyal to his friends and family.

Eli’s work ethic, his loyalty to his family and friends, and his passion and heart for Samoa and his culture, I believe come from his dad. There is a lot of his dad in Eli and for this I am grateful.

I am not playing much of a part in these final days but I am present and I take a back seat watching his loved ones, his children and grandchildren chatting, planning and preparing for his final homecoming and his celebration of life and its been a beautiful display of love and commitment to their father and grandfather so to observe this has been a blessing.

I am grateful, I am a little sad, but I feel relief that he is no longer suffering.

If I had the chance to tell him one last thing it would be thank you.

Thank you for loving my children, for actively loving Eli and for accepting me for the part I played in your family.

Rest in peace and love Papa/Dad.