The Patty project

I wish it were easy, and I wish I could wake up one day and say it is done.

I want to cry.

The tears form unintended, they don’t drop; they stay planted in my eyes.

What would happen if I let them fall?

I’m worried they may not stop.

I feel like an asshole.

Past traumas haunt me and impact those closest.

I want to be open, to communicate, and to share, but my delivery and behaviours still come from trauma.

In my mind, I know what I want to say, how I want to say it but as soon as I open my mouth, it feels like a foreign language, one that is familiar but unknown, starts releasing.

Regardless of how much I try, it doesn’t stop; it shoots out, and then defensiveness creeps in and trying to halt defensiveness is extra hard work.

I want to communicate better but can’t. Not yet.

The wounds are still raw.

I’m tired.

On Friday night, without realising, I burnt myself by holding a hot lighter too close to my arm.

It was an accident, and it hurt.

For a moment, the pain was only in that one spot on my arm and nowhere else.

That was a relief.

But it got my mind racing.

An accidental burn to my arm took the pain I experienced everywhere else away for a quick minute, and although the burn was throbbing and blistering within a few minutes, there was relief.

Relief turned to frustration; I burnt myself – stupid Patty.

I was tired and careless.

I rarely stop; I feel isolated in my pain and suffering, and I don’t think those around me understand or want to understand how much discomfort I feel daily.

It’s not their ‘job’, but the feeling of isolation possibly makes it worse.

I slept just a little over four hours, and I woke up tired.

I stretched, possibly too much, and I felt a pinch in my left shoulder.

Pain.

It continues.

I want and need it to be gone.

I’m at the gym, and I’ve walked on the treadmill and done 5 minutes on the bike.

Now I sit here and write.

It’s time to go home and get ready for work.

Work, the perfect distraction because I focus on others.

Then I go back home and do it all again.

Monday.

Be kind.