The Patty project

During my journey towards self-discovery and personal growth, I see that change is inevitable. I’m more convinced than ever that the messages we hear, the influences we experience, and how we perceive the world can cause harm to our well-being, potentially leading us to self-destruction.

My mind fills with constant streams of realisations. At times, I am reminded of specific experiences from when I was younger, while other times, like today, I find myself taking a selfie to understand who my people are referring to when they start to compliment my appearance.

You look fantastic! Your weight loss is so noticeable, and what you’re wearing suits you so well. Hearing such positivity is incredibly uplifting, particularly when I’ve been working hard to improve my self-image through weight loss.

However, a part of me can’t help but wonder if these compliments are exaggerated to boost my confidence.

I look at the selfies, and I no longer recognise the person I see: she dresses differently, she’s not as heavy as she once was, and she’s changed her hair – gone are the dreadlocks that assisted the process of working on her identity and self-worth for the past two years.

When looking at her, I continue to see a past version of myself, the version that battled with weight and appearance issues from a very young age.

But there’s a different glow to her, and she’s standing straighter, more confidently and proudly (whilst taking selfies in the gym restrooms).

I am sure that she’s the same person who endured constant teasing for being overweight and the same person constantly left out of activities and teams chosen by peers because, back then, the ‘fat’ kid never got picked.

Yes, she’s the same person who boys often told, ‘You are pretty, but if only you were skinnier.’

Given the countless negative remarks about her appearance throughout the years, it was no surprise that she – I found receiving praise or compliments challenging.

Reflecting, as I do and currently reflecting on my teenage years as a plus-size teen I recall the feelings and what was quite likely the beginning of my disengagement from school and education.

Yes, it got that bad!

Allowing all this negativity and toxicity in my life dramatically impacted my self-esteem to the point that it affected my learning.

Disclaimer: Let’s remember that I was a child without the necessary tools to cope with further adversity and negativity.

Throughout my entire school life, I had a genuine passion for learning. My passion was still evident in high school, and I’m confident I was reasonably intelligent. However, my engagement in education took a significant hit when it came to the teaching staff, forcing us to tuck our blouses into our skirts and wear uncomfortable clothing for physical education and sports that was not curve-friendly or flattering.

These dress code rules and how they were delivered damaged my self-esteem and my mental well-being; let’s remember I am a teenage girl, and adolescence is not kind or forgiving to many.

Yes, I found myself disengaging from the learning environment due to the constant fear of being singled out or called out by teachers for not complying with the rules. The anxiety I experienced skyrocketed as I worried about the potential embarrassment of having my untucked blouse reveal what I perceived as a bulging stomach in front of my peers.

The untucked blouse had become a tool to hide what I perceived as flaws in my body and appearance. The fear of being judged and the pressure to conform to societal standards of appearance created immense anxiety, which hindered my ability to fully engage in my education.

It is disheartening to think that something as trivial as a dress code and rules profoundly impacted my educational experience and instead of focusing on my love for learning and intellectual growth, I was overly occupied with conforming to uncomfortable rules and wanting to hide my perceived flaws.

The discomfort lasted throughout my entire High School experience, which sadly ended before it should have ( I signed out halfway through Year 12).

Imagine spending 13 years of your life in a place like school, where you constantly hear hurtful words about your appearance, where you’re uncomfortable or feel unsafe in your own body.

Yes, constant negativity throughout childhood does have a negative impact on your mental well-being. On top of that, imagine being bombarded with images of only skinny and beautiful women on screens. This can further reinforce the idea that there is only one ideal standard of beauty, which can be incredibly discouraging and make you question your own worth and attractiveness.

If you rarely receive positive affirmations about your appearance, it’s understandable why you might struggle to believe compliments.

It’s difficult to accept and internalise positive feedback when you’ve been conditioned to believe the negative messages for so long.

The journey feels like it’s been a long one; the self-healing work may take a very long time, but I have hope that it will get easier.

I am emerging stronger and more determined than ever to redefine my own standards of beauty and success. I understand that true growth and self-discovery come from within, and it is up to me to define my own worth.

I am no longer defined by societal expectations or the opinions of others. I am defined by my resilience, ability to rise above adversity, and unwavering belief in my potential.

So as I close this chapter of my reflective journey, I am filled with gratitude for the lessons learned and the strength gained. I am excited for what lies ahead as I continue to embrace change, challenge societal norms, and foster a positive sense of self.

With each step, I am inching closer to becoming the best version of myself, and that is a journey worth celebrating.