The Patty project

For two days now I have sat with Eli at the hospital for his hernia procedure and recovery. It’s a day surgery procedure with an overnight stay for observation.

In the room next to him is a cancer patient; I see her with her bald head and frail body and whilst I’m not positive she is a cancer patient I assume she is.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with bowel cancer and the past weeks have been filled with hospital and specialist appointments preparing me for my own surgery and hospital stay.

My eyes are drawn to her and my mind wanders every time I walk past her room.

Eli is in a shared room and in the bed across from him is a male patient who had a severe stomach infection which affected his appendix – he’s had part of his bowel removed which is somewhat similar to what I’ll have done soon.

I can’t help but look at all the other patients and this man in particular, his recovery intrigues me; he has tubes connected inside and out, he appears to be so uncomfortable and the moans and groans of discomfort confirm this.

All of what I observe him to be going through make the hairs on my arms stand and also my thoughts race.

Today that man and I had our first conversation (I wonder if he noticed I was always looking at him) and I told him that I had overheard he had part of his bowel removed and that I’d be doing similar soon – he asked why and I shared that I was recently diagnosed with bowel cancer.

I assume that he’s either close to 50 or in his early 50’s – I can see that we’re kind of close in age. You should have seen how quickly shock consumed his face.

A few questions were asked and a few quick responses were provided which then led him to share how suprised he was with my positivity and current outlook.

He questioned how I had already reached such positivity.

Like all who learn about my diagnosis and my age he expresses shock and I hear the same from him as I already have over and over again – a 43 year old woman with no family history of bowel cancer is not common.

My response to date and during this conversation was ‘it is what it is’ – and that’s my wholehearted honest response at this time.

I’m still captivated by all the machines he is connected to and in particular the feeding tubes that look so intrusive and uncomfortable; once again I hear him moaning in pain and complaining about his discomfort.

This could be me in the coming weeks.

I have experience with anxiety and depression that I’m mindful of. I’m aware of how my mind works and my current self talk goes back and forth between worry and fear so I’m practicing positive self-talk because I’m needing to convince myself that everything will work out for the best.

A cancer diagnosis is scary.

Pain and suffering is scary.

Losing my battle to cancer is my biggest fear and close second is being in a position similar to what this poor guy is going through.

My mind is strong because I make a conscious effort daily to keep it strong; I could be sitting crying about the diagnosis or sit consumed with worry but instead I choose to do whatever I can to not put myself into a depression before I even know my end result.

Eli was given the all clear and discharged on day 2 and his room mate whilst looking better by our day 2 remained in hospital.