The Patty project

Tonight, my high school reunion is taking place, It’s hard to believe that it’s 30 years since we graduated.

I have made the decision to stay home.

Yes, I’m not attending.

Last year, we had a small gathering with some of our classmates, which led to the set up of a messenger group where we have been keeping in touch leading up to tonight’s event.

Before that, we had two other get-togethers, one of which I organised – it was a big one and lots of fun.

I genuinely enjoy socializing and having a good time, especially with people I spent a significant amount of time with during our youth. However, as the reunion approached, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I might not attend.

My mood has been consistently low for quite some time now. I am self-aware enough to realize that being in a low state can bring down the mood of those around me, which is not my intention and something I’d hate to be responsible for.

I’m the kind of person who you can tell is not doing well just by looking at me.

I don’t consider myself someone who seeks attention and I can’t not be honest best of times so I don’t think I could fake it at an event like this – imagine responding with ‘not doing well at all’ when someone you haven’t seen in years asks how your doing.

So, it didn’t make sense for me to force myself to attend tonight.

Not doing well, why?

Feelings of sadness that I can’t shake stem from years of being too hard on myself, feeling undervalued and feeling constantly exhausted. I have spent too much time taking care of others’ needs while neglecting my own.

Neglecting yourself catches up with you and I have been feeling the weight of it for the past four years or so (give or take). I hope that this current bout of sadness will be the last, I’ve been working hard to overcome it (with the assistance of professionals & speaking to others – big advocate of therapy here).

Reunions offer an opportunity to reconnect and reminisce about shared memories and experiences. They can be enjoyable and provide insights into one’s own life and this I was reminded during the last reunion.

I didn’t particularly enjoy high school.

Despite being smart and likable, I struggled with self-esteem and faced some uncomfortable moments, such as being teased about my weight. If I had been more present and less lost in my own thoughts back then, perhaps I would have had a better experience.

Knowing what I know now and having recently been diagnosed with ADHD I’m quite certain that receiving an ADHD diagnosis back then while I was still young, developing, learning, impressionable and finding out who I was would have definitely assisted.

I feel that if I had attended tonight’s reunion, I wouldn’t have honestly or correctly represented who I have grown to be (the true me who has worked incredibly hard on a journey of self-acceptance and self-liking) and I’m not the type of person who can fake much of anything.

While looking at photos on Facebook, I smiled upon seeing familiar faces and reminiscing about our shared classes and moments. It looks like it was a fantastic night, especially with the warm weather we had today and the outdoor venue it was held at.

I believe I made the right decision in not attending. I don’t currently feel any regret, and I am genuinely happy for those who did attend. This confirms that I made the right choice. I do hope that there will be another reunion or get-together in the near future, and I genuinely hope that I will feel more inclined to attend.

With 30 years since our high school days, we are all getting older, and this serves as a good reminder that we should seize as many opportunities for good times and gatherings while we can.

But for tonight, it’s just not my night.