The Patty project

Yesterday our niece celebrated her 18th birthday and in true Patty style from the moment I woke up until the end of the day I was mentally planning her birthday post.

Yes, I do this.

I start the day by reflecting and reminiscing; photos assist this process.

Throughout the day I start combing through archives of photos and I compile a separate little folder that I will access when it is time to write the post.

Then I start combing through the memory archives.

Depending on the age and experiences I’ve had and shared with said birthday person, I may (and usually do) get stuck in processing many emotions, and thoughts, and somewhat re-living past experiences.

This precious human was born in 2005; I was possibly almost at my heaviest then which meant there were not many photos of me anywhere or with anyone else but my children (and those pics were hidden for our eyes only).

I don’t think many people enjoy being obese (as the medical professionals call it ‘Morbidly Obese‘) and not enjoying life, not liking myself and completely disregarding my emotions, and thoughts and most times trying to disregard my existence was how I chose to live – no, not chose but how I coped and survived.

I always had a camera and I was always the family photographer (I was good at it too). I love capturing moments and even more so when they’re natural moments highlighting the lives, growth and development of those I love and care for.

Was the camera a diversion, a tool (although small in comparison to my physical size) for me to hide behind?

Every so often someone would suggest that they take the photo so I could jump in and I learnt not to decline the offer because I didn’t want to cause a scene or focus too much attention on myself so the next ‘tool’ I used without others knowing was the ‘delete’ tool.

How sad.

How sad that I cared for myself so little that I missed out on so much.

How sad that at that time, all those years ago I had no real awareness or understanding of myself and I let it get to this.

Unbeknownst to me, I had been engaging in self-loathing, which was severly self sabotaging my well being.

I was actually making things worse (yes, avoidance does that).

I found myself struggling further with my weight, feeling unattractive, and even questioning my worthiness of love due to my own lack of self-love.

How did I allow myself to reach such a detrimental state?

Perhaps it was the constant bombardment of negative messaging every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror or tried on clothes?

But how does one reach this point of self-sabotage when they have seemingly orchestrated the life they are living?

18 years later and I may have now figured it out (insert sarcastic tone with rolling eyes emoji).

Some people – (I am/was some people) – seem to continuously dig themselves into a deeper hole, even though they truly desire to escape their current state of despair.

It is dishearting to live, see and bear witness to but one needs self-awareness to implement change and sadly, 18 years ago I had little to none.

I was exacerbating my own struggles, desperately yearning to escape the pain whilst inadvertently deepening the hole I was finding myself in (a blog post is in the making explaining how during that entire decade I wanted to live yet not be actively living and how that was addressed by a psychologist years later).

Not confronting the root cause or understanding why I was behaving or feeling that way was sinking me and the cycle was continuing (and did for many years to come).

Back to the birthday and photos (yes, I know – all this from one niece turning 18 lol) a point that I feel needs to be explained before moving forward just in case a family member is reading this and it raises any discomfort (none intended) – this precious human was not the firstborn niece but she was the first niece whose parents provided opportunities for the relationship to develop and opportunities for me to be an active and present person during her early years (to put it in easier terms – we adults got along, therefore, spending more time with the family was naturally going to happen). I had photos, great photos of her arrival at the hospital, coming home from the hospital, baptisms, birthdays, weekend visits – just about everything up until she was almost school-age and these photos showed many different faces but rarely my own (I’ve only found 1 in my archives and that’s because her mum printed it and gave it to me).

Yesterday I combed Facebook albums, Instagram albums and my own albums – and there were great photos of Niecey with my kids, her uncle, grandparents – everyone but me – yet I was an active and present person in her life.

For hours thoughts about this played and replayed in my mind and because I’m now such a self-aware almost 50-year-old well lived and experienced individual with so much knowledge and experience (insert sarcasm and three emojis being rolling eyes, winking and laughing emoji) I was and am able to understand why those self-sabotaging behaviours were present, why the self-loathing was so extreme, why I isolated myself and emotionally detached from others whilst always over giving and providing, why I was always feeling so low and why quite frankly I hated myself.

How did the day end? We attended a family dinner and yes I took photos of everyone else and watched everyone else take photos with the birthday girl. I wanted to take a photo with Niecey but a flicker of past self-sabotage and intrusive thoughts niggered at me until Eli approached with warmth and care and asked if I wanted a photo with the birthday girl (a blog post is in the making which will share about the communication growth that led us to this exchange) . This simple gesture diffused the negative energy and flickering memories which allowed me to let go of my inhibitions and enjoy the remainder of the celebration.

And, I finally have a photo with Niecey that represents her newfound independence, growth and maturity as an 18-year-old!

Happy Birthday, Neicey.