The Patty project

Being in the places I had only seen in photos during my childhood felt surreal. I can’t find the right words to describe the emotions and experiences.

It’s somewhat ironic that in this photo, my mum was a teenager and the baby she was holding is my recently deceased cousin, Andrea. (Is ironic the right word to use 🤔).

Experiencing these places and emotions completely “alone” and in my head was the only way to do it.

Next to nothing about this first-time experience in Uruguay turned out as I had imagined, and while it continues to be a whirlwind of emotions, it’s interesting to note that I’m completely okay with how it came to be.

To be honest, if and when someone asks how the trip went, I still don’t have the right words to answer the question.

It’s a lot to process, and only I can “do the work,” which I am currently attempting – and every day I process a little more.

Last night I sat scrolling through Andrea’s Facebook account; it was like I was trying to learn more about her because there’s a niggling thing inside of me (called regret) that rears it’s uncomfortable head forcing me to dig deeper to process emotions.

I have voice recordings she’s sent and I’m slightly amused and also appreciative that she often sent voice messages instead of texting even though voice recordings erk me and I’m personally more comfortable with written text.

I can’t yet open the voice recordings to listen to them because I feel it’s not yet time but when the time comes I’ll need to be prepared for what’s to unfold.

I had a conversation earlier this week with a very passionate indigenous woman that I know through work and she excitedly asked me about the trip; my first response was about my cousin passing two days after I arrived and not having the opportunity to see her face to face – this woman is passionate about life and she empathised greatly.

I mention that this woman is passionate and indigenous because her next questions and responses to my connections with the land my parents were born on were something no one had yet asked and a prompt I needed to further explore my recent experiences.

Also, she being passionate about life is something I admire greatly, and also the unapologetic passion that she has for her roots and indigenous lineage is a strength of hers that often leaves me in awe and provides me with many ‘teaching’ moments.

In these photos are replica statues of what is written in history as the last of the Uruguayan indigenous people the ‘Charrua’ – over time I’ve heard a little about them but I’ve never listened as attentively as I did when information was shared as I stood in front of them listening to our guide; I tried hard to take in the information as I took in my surroundings and also the emotions that gathered as I remembered this photo of my mum that I’d seen many, many years ago.

The information, memories and emotions that are floating about are all teaching and learning moments that I understand are necessary for my ‘growth’ but I need to add that the responses, questions (and or lack of) from my nearest and dearest are also serving and teaching me.

I am saddened and impacted by the lack from my actual nearest and dearest – there’s been little to no empathy given by those who have also been impacted by Andreas passing in one way or another and I’ve felt incredibly isolated in most of this grief and loss process.

I’m a big girl; I’m strong and independent but I still have emotions, needs and wounds.

We can’t turn back time, we’re human so we’re all somewhat selfish and because I have this awareness and way of thinking I will continue to move forward but I must say (yes this did take a turn) that I’m disappointed in plenty and most of my disappointment lies with human interactions and communication or lack of.

We, including me can all do better.

Life goes on and how we choose to move forward is a personal choice but come on people it shouldn’t come to the point of someone having to write/read a Facebook post for us to be forced to process our emotions, thoughts and/or behaviours before we actually consider others and act on them.

Im now going to once again divert so that I can complete this post – and bring back focus but on a different note and one that brings us back to the photos and original theme of this post.

One of many memories that I have of this trip that serves me well and feeds my need for cultural identity and connection is a random act and words shared by a complete stranger whilst in Punta del Este.

This person, (I’d like to add was quite hyper and unique – my people lol) made mention of my spoken Spanish referring to how I was using correct tones and accent and asked when had I left Uruguay and how long had it been since returning; I shyly shared that I (not identifying as a true Uruguayan) am the child of Uruguayan parents and at age 47 it was the first time stepping foot on Uruguayan land.

This man said and did something that I didn’t know at the time I needed or longed for – he said
‘You are a true Charrua – welcome home’.

*This process of writing these words has taken me a fair bit of time – I started writing them in bed and have already found myself walking about the house doing meaningless jobs while I processed and wrote.

It comes when it comes and needs to be released when it chooses to.

If you’ve stayed to the end feel free to share your thoughts and/or responses – obviously I rather communication than being left feeling alone with my thoughts and experiences and I’m open to any communication you wish to share 😉🤞🏼🙏🏽.

Hasta luego, Patty ✌🏽.

#pattysjourney #uruguay #selfidentity