The Patty project

Thank you for asking how the Murder Mystery dinner party went.

It was fun.

I look forward to us doing something like this together as a family.

The food was great!

An Italian spread to go with the theme: an antipesto platter that not only looked great but tasted even better. The main meal was pasta – my favourite and then dessert.

Playing a “who done it” game with 10 strangers was interesting indeed and I found it amusing that two were members of the Police force and two were solicitors.

Seated next to me was an older gentleman who was having difficulty reading his clues so I’d lean over to shine my phone on his card so he could see better.

My bowels were a little confronting and I was anxious leading up to this event; not anxious like on the day of the event but anxious since accepting the invite and giving my RSVP.

Reflecting on this anxiety I realised that I had become quite the expert at controlling my surroundings, controlling my bowels and since the bowel resection (after the bowel cancer removal) controlling everything in my life was now the new norm so that me (and my bowel would be comfortable).

My new routine (since the ileostomy reversal) when planning an outing and in particular in the evening (and at dinner time) is to plan to be somewhere with a clean and somewhat comfortable toilet (situation) – meaning more than one cubicle so that there’s not a line-up, clean so that it’s not smelly and one where there’s not too much central access to others.

If I am visiting a person’s house I’ll do a pit stop at a public place to use a restroom (just in case) and if I’ve got a bit of a drive back I’ll also aim for a pit stop at another restroom. There’s a whole lot of planning that causes increased anxiety and stress and the funny thing is that this entire routine is put in place to alleviate anxiety and stress.

I wanted to attend a dinner at a friend’s house and I would like to accept invites for dinner dates and events without having to focus on my new normal or worrying about toileting.

My new(er) normal since the cancer diagnosis is to accept all invitations and take up all opportunities that interest me. My new(er) outlook on life is to accept invitations, try new things, meet new people and take part in new experiences.

I’d never been to an all-adult dinner party let alone a Murder Mystery Dinner party where you take on a character and dress up so I was not going to knock back this invitation; I was also looking forward to celebrating a new friend’s birthday with new people.

I accepted the invitation, I purchased a little birthday gift, I prepared a costume and make-up for my character and I showed up.

I sat in the car for a little while mentally preparing myself and then I entered.

The set up was great, the people friendly and the food great.

As you do at dinner parties you mingle, you graze and you’re seated for most of it.

After a couple of hours, my bottom was hurting and my bowels were stiffening. I was mentally talking myself through the impending and escalating discomfort and I was also becoming distracted from what was happening around me which was proving difficult because there was an active game happening where clues were being dropped and full focus and attention were necessary (to get somewhere in the game).

I did what ‘normal’ adults without bowel issues do and that was play along, smile and pretend like everything was ok. At one stage I spent approximately 40 minutes thinking about how I could exit the dinner party so I could go home and sit in the comfort of my bathroom.

The self-talk was consuming and I had to remind myself that this was now my life, my ‘new normal’ as my colorectal surgeon calls it.

Another reminder that serves me well is the possibility that this particular situation may never change and that I’m not ever going to let any not-by-choice situation stop me from living.

I observed the toilet situation, the distance, the noise levels and I even excused myself to use it when I hadn’t needed to ‘just in case’.

The downstairs bathroom was in close proximity to the dinner party setup; everyone was distracted by the game and my character didn’t have much more to do so I gathered all my courage and left my seat. There’s no need to go into specifics but the difference between a bowel cancer survivor who has had colorectal surgery and a person who hasn’t is that each experience varies and whilst a non-bowel cancer person can walk in, sit, do their business and leave someone like me almost never knows how each experience may be.

In this case, I was in the bathroom for a short while; before this experience and up to today I’ve observed, noticed and learnt that whilst people notice that I’ve been gone for a short while typically nobody makes mention of it.

The concern is all mine. The stress is all mine and the way I react is all on me.

I’ve started to share my experiences with others, a few weeks ago I went to dinner with some close friends who shared the entire ‘cancer journey’ with me and I’ve started to open up about my experiences since the surgeries – there was no big reaction, it was actually the opposite and we were invited to go back to one of my friend’s homes where I was invited to be comfortable, open and use the bathroom as needed rather than end the night abruptly and head home quickly.

The conversation flowed nicely, the openness was relieving and it was all received well because they are people I trust. It was also comforting knowing that I could continue a night with friends who were aware of my situation and more than happy to accommodate my needs so that we could spend more time together.

Back to the Dinner party – it went well, I had fun, the new experience was interesting and I look forward to hosting a similar event in the near future.

Today I wrote and shared this blog post because I’ve accepted an invite to meet at a friend’s house and I know we’ll be there for a few hours, share food and chill. It’s obvious from my thinking patterns and behaviours that I’ve already started to ‘map’ how I’m going to deal with the toileting situation. It’s so interesting because the friend who has opened her home to us is one that I trust and am already very open with yet I still feel and experience this anxiety.

My past experiences, the lack of control that I had over my body during the whole cancer ordeal from diagnosis, to surgery up until today which is almost 4 years in remission still carry a lot of weight on my physical and mental being. I don’t want it to but it does and I know that I will definitely benefit from shedding the layers of trauma that are holding me back from living my best life.

As I press publish I’ll sit with a tad of anxiety and then I’m going to share the link with my friends who will be present at tonight’s gathering so that I can provide them with a little insight into how I’m feeling, what I’m experiencing and why most times I’m stopping in at a local Macca’s before getting to my destination.

So, thank you for asking how my night went; I responded with an ‘it was fun’ and left it at that but every word here is how I really felt and continue to.