The Patty project

It looks like another selfie taken in Bali but this one holds a significance that I’ve only shared with a few.

On 2 occasions whilst in Bali I allowed myself to be in public without wearing multiple layers of clothing; one of those moments is here in this photo and the other was captured at night in the resort pool where I was wearing board shorts and a tankini.

I must confess that I am my biggest critic and hater (at most times); I boast that I don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks yet I allow myself to be covered up in layers to hide the flaws that I loathe.

I’m in the midst of a self-love journey and with that comes owning why I’ve taken on certain behaviours, actions & thinking and then trying to correct them.

In theory it sounds easier than what it is and whilst I still struggle I am trying to practice releasing the old mindset and thought traps that I’ve fallen into and have allowed myself to believe (for too long).

So, when in Bali I challenged myself and I succeeded.

The photo posted above was taken when I stopped for a cold drink at a nice restaurant in the centre of the main drag in Seminyak.

It was a rainy, hot and humid day. It was our last full day in Bali and the day before I had gotten 3 new tattoos – 1 on my back and 2 on my left shoulder.

The humidity and rain wasn’t going to stop me from the full day of shopping that I had planned but when I felt my kimono sticking to my wet freshly tattooed back I needed to stop and take a minute to figure out if I was going to make the trek back to the resort in the rain or if I was going to stop for a bit to get a drink and try to dry up as much as possible.

I chose to stop where I was so I made my way into a restaurant; I requested a table on the outdoor decking area and sat. I ordered drinks and proceeded to remove my kimono and hung it on a chair to dry off.

I sat for a bit with my thoughts trying not to consume them with negativity at how I must appear to others because I was wearing clothing that was exposing my arms and plus size body.

I needed to ground myself in the present moment and move way from my very well rehearsed negative thoughts.

My surroundings were picturesque, I was wearing a jumpsuit I had purchased the prior day and I was really digging the look. The air smelt of rain, the drinks I purchased were cold and tasty – the music playing was nice and I was in a safe and comfortable space.

Once I pulled myself back in I found all of the above quite easy to focus on but what I really needed to remind myself of was the importance of this trip on a personal level; this was my first overseas trip since the cancer diagnosis and treatment.

This was my first overseas trip since the global Covid pandemic that closed international borders.

This was also my first overseas trip since I was made redundant from a job that I was in for approximately 8 years.

This moment and this personal achievement needed a photo to be taken to be the reminder I would later need to sit with and reflect on.

This is how this particular selfie came to be.

Since being back from Bali I’ve sat looking back at photos and I took some time to reflect on the significance of this moment.

Whilst I am aware that I am my biggest critic I am also aware that I picked up certain behaviours and a negative mindset from teasing, bullying and from being constantly reminded that I was heavy.

The words that I constantly heard were negative, hurtful and they convinced me to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. When you hear similar messages delivered in various ways from people in all corners of your world then those words become engrained in your thinking and you really believe what ‘everyone’ is saying.

I rarely felt good enough or attractive enough and this affected my self-esteem and self-worth.

That was my sad reality from my foundational years and it has taken my lifetime to break the thought patterns so that I can feel comfortable in my own skin.

In this selfie the smile on my face is radiant.

I have colour to my skin that serves as a welcome reminder that I had been out and about on exciting adventures.

I am sitting upright and comfortable and my dread bun is placed neatly and nicely on the middle of my head.

I was really vibing at that moment and I can truly see it.

It has been a long journey but this small achievement is massive and deserves to be celebrated and shared.

That selfie, that moment and the current reflections are all soul satisfying and true testament to how valuable doing the self-healing work and journey can really be.

Yay. Go me!